Alexithymia
by espoir mechant
Summary: Sometimes it's not about choice, sometimes an event, a war, chooses us. Sometimes people change, they become more than what we thought and you realize you were wrong. Sometimes, there are no words for our emotions, no right or wrong, there is only now.


Hello there! I have quite a few Harry Potter stories running around in my head and I have finally buckled down enough to actually complete one of the many beginning chapters that I have started.

Now, obviously I do not own Harry Potter or its subsequent characters, that right belongs to JK Rowling.

This story is slash, Harry/Draco to be precise, though there will be other couple, this is the main one. That means there will be situations in this story (both sexual and non-sexual) that may make some people squeamish. My advice is: if you do not like slash, do not read this story. Do not start reading and when the love comes into play go "eww" and then send a flame. Hey, hey, don't do that. You have been forewarned, tread carefully.

Onto the story then!

* * *

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

—Ambrose Redmoon

He made no noise. Not in the two weeks since he had been down here. Every one of his torturers had demanded to hear a scream, but the boy convulsing on the floor simply refused to comply.

Every blow that fell and failed to draw a sound was a small victory, and Severus had never been so proud in his life.

It was almost a familiar scene to Severus. There was no light in the dungeons, no dramatic moonlight, no faint glow of a candle, just the inky darkness of the shadows in the corners, broken only by the artificial light produced by his wand. There was a faint sheen on the hard stone floor, whether it was caused by water leaking from the far right corner, or by the blood from the victim was a mystery. There were no chains, there was no need. Even if there was anywhere for the victim to go, walking was usually beyond their ability before the end of the first day.

Severus had seen countless witches and wizards tortured in this place. After a while, he learned to ignore the screams and pleas for help. The snap of a whip or the crack of bones no longer made him flinch. The slice of flesh, the wet gushing sound of blood no longer made him want to run away or turn from the scene. He had been desensitized. It frightened him sometimes, to think about how easy it had been to adjust to the gore and macabre nature of the dungeons, but the victims were almost always the same. After a few days, they all break, they continue to scream but there is no hope of being heard, they never look you in the eyes and Severus often finds himself hating them for it.

But there was one detail of the scene before him that was far different from any other. It was the brief flash of the few shimmering blonde strands of hair that were not matted with dirt and blood. It was the glimpse of a few patches of pale skin not colored red or purple, black or blue. It was the way his body shuddered in an all consuming fear while his blood boiled in rage when he contemplated whether the floor shone with water or blood. It was the silver eyes that looked up every so often, shining with the fire of complete and utter defiance, burning so brightly that it would have made any hero proud. It was the way he had to physically hold himself back to keep himself from interfering.

It was the fact that the victim of choice at the moment was the only person alive in this world that Severus could actually admit to loving. Everything he did now was for this boy, one of his dwindling reasons for continuing to fight even as his body and mind told him it was pointless was the boy being tortured in front of him day in and day out, the boy he considered a son.

Severus' face was the very practice of indifference, even as his mind cried in despair. Every wound that was inflicted upon that body was similarly inflicted upon his heart. But he could not turn away, he would endure every single second of torture he was present for, he would not abandon Draco.

His mind continued screaming, _'It was not supposed to be like this!'. _

He could not understand it at first. The Dark Lord was not one to suffer failure, when Draco failed to kill Dumbledore, when he withdrew instead of striking, that should have been the end of his godson. But it wasn't. The Dark Lord did not kill Draco, he threw him in the dungeons to be tortured. But why? The Death Eaters had wondered why as well. Some theorized that the boy was simply too pretty to kill without some sport first. The most prevalent opinion was that the Dark Lord kept the boy in order to keep control over the Malfoy family. Severus knew better.

Lucius Malfoy could not care less about the well being of his son. The moment Draco failed the Dark Lord, sole heir or not, he became obsolete. Narcissa was different, she would do anything she could for her son, that was true. Trouble was, there really was nothing she could do. In her mind, the best thing she could do for Draco was to stay away, to take away one of the bartering chips the Dark Lord held over the boys head.

Severus knewwhy Draco was being kept, that was not what he could not understand. The Dark Lord was having Draco tortured until the boy finally broke, and when he broke, for it was a when and not an if, the Dark Lord would build him back up into what he wanted Draco to be, someone he could use and manipulate, this he knew. Just as he knew he could not allow that to happen. Not for Draco's sake, not for his sake, not for the Order's sake.

What he did not understand was how the Dark Lord could have uncovered his godson's potential capabilities. Draco's future inheritance was a closely guarded secret, there was only one way he could have learned of it.

'_If I ever meet Lucius Malfoy on the battle field, I will kill him in the most painful way possible.'_

One of the Dark Lord's worst qualities was that he was predictable. Not to say that he did not occasionally do something that would surprise Severus, but Voldemort was consistently cruel. Failure was not an option for a Death Eater, and should one fail, death was always the punishment. It seemed as if the Malfoy family was the only exception. After the siege on Azkaban, several Death Eaters that had been imprisoned were put to death for neglecting to satisfy the Dark Lord. And Lucius, the one Death Eater who had disappointed the Dark Lord the most, was still alive and as trusted as ever. A majority of the Dark Lord's group of supporters did not question simply because they did not view it as their place to question. The minority did not question because they saw the Malfoy family as an extremely powerful and influential force in the wizarding world. Severus, however, would have questioned, if he did not already know how Lucius had gotten off scot-free.

"WHY WON"T YOU SCREAM?"

Severus was stirred from his thoughts abruptly. Bellatrix stood over her nephew, her face screwed up in annoyance and frustration. Draco only looked up at her from his position on his knees, one corner of his lips pulled up in fragment of his infamous smirk, a faint amusement dancing in his eyes.

'_Stupid boy.'_ Severus thought fondly.

Bellatrix glared, a screech of outrage escaped her twisted mouth, "Scream you useless little brat! CRUCIO!"

Silver eyes widened in pain even as his jaw locked, Severus watched as Draco bit through his lip with the effort to keep from making any noise. The curse flowed through his body like electricity, stacking pain from the curse along with the pain of his current wounds being irritated by its flow. It was relentless, a stream of constant pain accompanied by staccato shocks of agony. But he would not scream. Hot tears prickled at the corner of his eyes, his finger attempting to find purchase on the stone floor only to slip in the puddle of his own blood, but he would NOT scream.

The curse passed, the room was silent, making Draco's ragged breathing that much louder. Bellatrix snarled, bending over and curling a bony hand around Draco's thin neck pulling him back up onto his knees, squeezing with just a small amount a pressure, not enough to stop his breathing, but enough to make it difficult.

"Scream, bitch."

Draco gave a choked laugh, his eyes spitting fire and his lips pulled back into another smirk, all arrogance and confidence despite his terrible condition, "No."

Bellatrix gave another involuntary shriek, her hand around his throat tightening as she raised her wand offensively. Draco braced himself, this would not be another Crucio, this would be something worse, he had taunted her too far this time and he was beginning to suffocate, shadow was overtaking the edges of his vision.

Severus started as Bellatrix began to hiss out the curse of her choice but he stopped himself as another bony hand caught Bella's wrist in a firm grip causing her to startle.

"Let go of the boy, Bella, before you kill him."

Bellatrix froze, in a way that only the truly mad could, her body as taught as piano strings ready to snap before looking into cold black eyes, sighing and dropping Draco unceremoniously to the ground, she spun on her heels, giggling as she walked out of the room at the blondes gasps for air. Severus schooled his features back into indifference, covering up his panic expertly.

Draco looked up as he got his breathing back under his control. Instead of looking at his Aunt Bella however, he saw two figures that sent a chill down his spine. The open door at the top of the dungeon stairs let a flood of light in, illuminating the silhouettes of Lucius Malfoy and Lord Voldemort himself. Draco struggled to choke down his terror and panic, he had been in the presence of the Dark Lord twice before but he had never really looked at him. Now that there was no pretense of respect or obedience, the blonde stared. He stared at the skeletal frame, the pasty skin, the hairless elongated head with its cracked thin lips and the black eyes that were mere slits. He had been mercilessly tortured in the dungeons for two weeks, only now, in the presence of this… thing, did he truly feel the icy grip of dread, the all consuming fear for his life.

Even so, he owed these people, if they could be called people, no allegiance. So despite his fear, he slowly got to his feet, his knees shaking even as his right hip and left ankle screamed in protest.

The reptilian thing in front of him twisted his lips in what he supposed was supposed to be a smile, "Such fire and defiance, little one. Surely you are aware that these theatrics are pointless."

Severus prayed to whatever gods had not forsaken them that Draco kept his mouth shut for once in his life. For the first time in a long time, they answered, Draco said nothing, only glared at a spot below the Dark Lord's neck.

"Ah, another troubling issue, your silence. My Death Eaters have told me that you have not uttered a single scream in the two weeks you have been down here. Your stubbornness will get you nowhere young Malfoy, it will only earn you more pain."

Still Draco refused to speak, only averting his eyes away from the Dark Lords wondering gaze and onto his father. His father who looked at him without any trace of recognition, Draco felt his rage well up inside him.

A bony hand whipped out and met his cheek, the sharpness cutting across his cheekbone and the force stealing whatever strength he had built up and he was sent careening into the wall behind him. His back hit the wall and his head flew back with a sickening crack.

"You will look at me when I am speaking to you Draco."

Draco uselessly attempted to blink away the dizziness that assaulted him. The Dark Lord walked forward, "Tsk tsk tsk, you will learn in time my pet."

Draco felt a cold hard hand caress his cheek in a mockery of affection and he shook his head to get away from it, succeeding only in making himself even more dizzy as the hand turned to iron, fingertips digging into his cheeks hard enough to leave bruises on the soft flesh.

The Dark Lord snarled, his face twisting in fury, "You will break eventually, my dove," Draco scoffed insolently, and the grip on his chin tightened even further, "You will break, Draco, make no mistake. And when you do, you will be mine to control. You will give me whatever information that brilliant mind of yours will uncover, you will kill when I demand you to kill, and you will revere me as you should."

He harshly released Draco's chin, the back of the blonde's head once again meeting the stone wall behind him, body slumping as another wave of dizziness assaulted him.

The dark Lord began to walk away "Rest little one, tomorrow your destruction intensifies."

Draco looked up one last time, in between the darkness slowly taking over he saw his father, the elder Malfoy looking down at him in disgust before turning to follow his lord., and then, finally, the darkness won for the day.

Severus stood still and calm as the Dark Lord and Lucius passed him, "Severus, you know what to do." And with that the door was closed once more.

The dark haired man hurried over to his charge and kneeled in the warm liquid that had to be blood and got to work stopping any more of that life elixir from escaping Draco's body. The blonde had already lost any semblance of color. He worked on closing up the deepest gashes and when he was sure that Draco would not die if left alone for a few moments he stood and hurried out the dungeons. He needed to speak with Dumbledore, they could not wait any longer, Draco had to escape tonight.

* * *

Remus Lupin sat down in restless exhaustion at the kitchen table at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Sleep evaded him tonight, like most nights and he sighed as he pulled a map over to his side of the table, he may as well do something productive.

He looked up as the door to the kitchen creaked open, and then smiled as Molly Weasley bustled into the kitchen, tying her outer robe over her nightgown and muttering to herself in frustration.

"And sleeplessness claims another victim, I see."

Molly yelped, jumping into the air, her eyes wide as they swept around the room and finally landed on Lupin. "Oh," Molly sighed as she put a hand to her chest in an attempt to placate her rapidly beating heart, "Remus, you gave me a fright."

Remus grinned good naturedly, "Sorry about that Molly."

The Weasley Matron gave him a chastising glare, "Yes, you look very sympathetic."

Remus chuckled, "I was right in assuming that you could not sleep though, correct? I didn't wake you?"

"You're as quiet as a mouse Remus and you know it. I was just- I had a nightmare."

Remus nodded in understanding, nightmares were becoming a normal occurrence in Grimmauld.

Molly shook herself, "Well, you weren't at dinner Remus, you must be hungry. Let me fix you something."

The man shook his head, "Really Molly, that's quite unnecessary."

But Molly just shook her head again, tucking a stray red curl underneath her night cap and continued to gather the pans she would need. Remus smiled, "Well if you insist."

As soon as he said the words the fireplace on the opposite wall flared to life, the shimmering green flames parting to allow Albus Dumbledore to step through urgently.

"Albus?" Molly began to question, wand in hand, directing several pots and pans through the air. She stopped and closed her mouth in shock as he held a hand up to silence her.

Remus' eyes hardened and his eyebrows drew together in worry as he took in the Headmaster's grim expression.

The fireplace flared with green flames once again, and Molly gasped in shock as the pots and pans she had been levitating began to drop to the ground.

Albus tuned quickly, wand in hand and caught the metal containers before they could hit the ground in a loud clatter.

"Molly, it would be best if we did not awaken the rest of the house, this matter needs to be handled delicately at the moment."

"But-"

"Severus?" Remus quickly threw off his own shock, he could allow himself a moment of incredulity later, right now there were more important things to attend to. Like why Severus Snape was standing beside Dumbledore clutching what he assumed was human body wrapped in blankets and dripping blood all over the kitchen floor.

Before anyone could reply, the fireplace started up for the final time. Madame Pomfrey came out in a rush, carrying a large medical bag, "No time, no time, we need to get him to a bed now. Molly, I need a basin of clean, warm water, Remus, get me whatever blood replenishing potions you have in this place."

Molly and Remus nodded and as soon as they had the required items, they both followed the rest of the group to topmost landing Albus quickly opened the door to the right and ushered the group inside the spacious room before closing the door and placed a powerful Imperturbable Charm on the door.

Pomfrey quickly pushed the covers on the bed aside, "Lay him down gently Severus."

Molly and Remus put down the items they were carrying as Severus laid his charge down and carefully removed the blankets from around his form. Molly and Remus heard a soft gasp and looked toward Poppy, the elderly medic had a hand over her mouth and her eyes closed in what looked like pain. They both looked over at the figure on the bed and Molly left out her own startled gasp.

It was difficult to distinguish the identity of the body through all the blood and bruises and grime that covered it, but the few patches of pale skin, the few strands of silvery blonde hair and the delicate bone structure of the face gave Draco Malfoy's identity away.

Remus stared at the boy, not quite able to comprehend the situation at first, he looked over at Molly, whose eyes were beginning to water as she stared unblinkingly at the mess that was the young Malfoy heir.

Albus' voice cut through the tense silence that had taken over the room, "Poppy."

Pomfrey nodded, her eyes still closed and her hand still over her mouth. She took a few calming breaths and began to shout out orders, "Molly, I need you to help me clean him off so I can see the extent of the damage and the gashes don't get infected, be gentle now, I can already tell that he has a few bones that are shattered. Albus if you could start with exterior wounds on his legs while Molly and I wash him off, that would help. Severus, Lupin I need you both to gather the sleeping, pain and blood replenishing potions and start administering them, blood replenishing first…."

* * *

Molly, Remus and Dumbledore sat at the kitchen table in silence. Molly had her head in her hands, sniffling every now and again. Remus looked straight down at the table, unmoving while Albus watched them both with an appraising eye, wanting to assess their reactions. They were waiting for Poppy to come down and let them know how everything went. They had worked on healing Draco for the better part of three hours before Poppy shooed the three of them away to give the fey teen some space.

Voices carried on the air made their way down the stairs, it seemed the rest of the house was awake. Even as the other inhabitants made their way into the kitchen, Molly and Remus did not move. Albus sighed and analyzed the group, his eyes passing over Hermione Granger, all the Weasley children barring Percy, and finally Harry Potter. The group had stopped, looking at each of the seated adults in the room with sleepy confusion and worry.

Bill stepped forward, the most awake of the bunch and put a hand on his mothers shoulder, "Mum?"

Molly jumped at the contact and looked up, tears still falling from her eyes. She stared at the group in confusion before realizing that she had asked them all to be up and ready to clean out a few more spare rooms the day before. The Weasley Matron cleared her throat and wiped at the tears still falling from her brown eyes, "Oh, sit sit, don't just stand there. I'll- I'll start making breakfast, just sit down."

The red headed woman stood and began bustling around the kitchen as the group looked around at each other before sitting down hesitantly. Silence reigned yet again, soon the smells of breakfast began to fill the room, but even while she cooked Molly sniffed and wiped away a tear every know and then.

Harry watched Mrs. Weasley cry and cook for a little while before sharing concerned glances with the rest of table.

Finally Ron spoke up, the tall red head's face was white with worry, tracking his mother's movement and taking in her shaking hands, "Mum, nothing, nothing bad has happened to Dad has it?"

Molly just shook her head, "No, no, your father is just fine."

Harry turned his attention to Remus, the former Professor was still staring at nothing in particular, "Remus?"

The brown haired man looked up, his eyes meeting Harry's briefly, something flashing in his usual gentle brown eyes, before he turned to look at Albus, "He's just a kid. Just 16 years old. He's Harry, Ron and Hermione's age. How could anyone, anyone do that to a child?"

Molly burst into a fresh round of sobs, both Ginny and Hermione stood and lead her back to sit in an empty chair. Fred and George, both completely gob smacked at their mother's behavior, comforted her as Hermione and Ginny took over cooking.

Charlie looked back and forth between the two elder men, "What in the name of Merlin is going on?"

Albus sighed, but before he could respond Poppy wearily came through the open kitchen door. She immediately had the eldest three adults' complete attention.

"How is he Poppy?" Molly asked, ringing a dish towel in her hands as Fred and George rubbed her back soothingly.

Poppy gave the distressed woman a small smile, "Draco will be just fine, he's more than likely going to be asleep for the next three days, his body needs time to rest and recuperate after all. And he's still hurt, his life is in no immediate danger right now and we've managed to heal the worst of his wounds, but we can't overload him on strange magic or we'll just end up doing more harm than good. The rest of his injuries will simply have to heal naturally."

Albus nodded, "Thank you for your invaluable assistance, Poppy. Now you go get some well deserved rest."

Poppy nodded as she walked toward the fireplace, she turned and grabbed a handful of floo powder, "I'll be back to check on Draco later in the afternoon. Hogwarts!" And in a rush of green flame, she was gone.

Harry stood up, "Draco? As in Draco Malfoy?"

Ron stood up next to him, "What in the bloody hell is he doing here?"

Hermione immediately turned around and smacked him on the arm with the spatula in her hand.

"OW!"

"Language Ronald!"

"Hermione! Draco Malfoy is in this house! I will worry about my bloody language later!"

Ginny agreed with her brother, "What is that slimy snake doi-" the kitchen door slammed open and Snape stalked forwarding a flurry of black robes, his eyes immediately seeking out Dumbledore.

The old man closed his eyes wearily, it seemed that there would not be any rest to be had for either himself or the Potions Professor anytime soon, "He is calling?"

The Potion's Master nodded, his face white as a sheet from weariness and worry.

Dumbledore's blue eyes, usually twinkling with amusement, hardened. "Very well, let's go, Molly, Remus, I'm sure you can handle this."

The two in question nodded, Molly glaring at her two youngest children. Severus still looked unsure, however, looking back toward the stairs even as his arm throbbed in pain. Remus stood and placed an encouraging hand on the torn man's shoulder. "I'll watch over him while you're gone, Severus."

Severus nodded and both he and Albus Apparated away.

As soon as their audience was gone, Molly rounded on her children. "I'm going to say this once and only once. That boy has been through something horrible and I will be turned into a garden gnome before any of you make it your mission to make his stay here miserable. Is that understood?"

The red heads were reluctant, scowls marred their faces, but they agreed nonetheless. Molly pursed her lips and shook her head at the lot disapprovingly. Soon, all of the male Weasley children had retaken their seats at the long wooden table. Ron was muttering to himself angrily as he buttered a piece of toast, the twins were whispering to each other, their faces devoid of their usual playfulness. Bill and Charlie were scribbling over maps, but every now and again they would shoot a look at the basement stairs, as if they expected the house's new quest to come waltzing through at any moment.

Hermione threw a questioning look at Harry, one eyebrow raised in question as she flipped an egg over in the skillet before her.

The boy simply shook his head and frowned as he watched Remus and Molly talk in hushed tones near the door. He did not like not knowing what was going on, he did not like the idea of his most outspoken school rival staying in the same house as him and his friends and family, and he certainly did not like the thought of a Malfoy staying at the Headquarters of the Order. All of these things were true, but as he watched Remus make his way up the stairs, Molly Weasley watching him worriedly, he could not understand why he also did not like the idea that something dreadful had happened to Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Well, there you go. It took me a while to finish this because I'm working on a lot of other projects.

As such, I can't promise you a chapter every other day. I'm a busy college kid you know.

However, I will update fairly regularly, I'd say every other week, perhaps more frequently if I am lucky.

In any case, I hope you enjoyed the beginning of my lovely story and if you did, you should definitely let me know :)

Review, please 3


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